I was bullied....sometimes brutally....during high school.
My father blamed me for it.....my mother let him....
My older brother had passed away and I had no idea that he had held back the bullies who had zeroed in on me!!!!
Once he was gone I became the favorite target of every asshole in the school....
It was a rare day that I didn't get hurt....emotionally hurt was bad but they were more interested in physically hurting me....
I took a couple of trips to the hospital after a few spirited rounds of beating the fag....
I needed a sanctuary.....someplace to hide.....and then one day I found it!!!!
"Ridge Books We Buy Used Books" the sign said.....and I went in and it captured me!!!
I marveled at the aisles stacked full of musty old books.....so many that they had outgrown the shelves and were stacked on the floor or still in the cardboard boxes they had come in!!!!
The owner was a man named Tony and he and I quickly connected....he became a mentor to me.....he didn't mind that I would spend hours in his store.....and sometimes only spend a quarter on an old sci-fi paperback.....and he would tell me a story about almost everything I ever bought.....the author's story or something related to the book I had in hand.....
He didn't mind that I was a little on the feminine side.....in fact I'm not sure he even noticed.....he never made a pass at me.....not once....he wasn't that sort of man...
I went there every day for almost two years.....even on weekends.....he asked me for help on many occasions but it was never a job....
Then one day I made the decision to slip into the bathroom and I came out wearing a skirt...
He didn't even miss a beat.....he didn't comment and he didn't try anything....although I must admit.....I would have given him anything he wanted!!!!
It wasn't long after that I showed up one day to find the door locked....and a note inside the glass that they had closed permanently!!!!
What became of Tony and his wife I'll never know.....but he was a wonderful man!!!!
He opened my eyes to the escape that books could offer.....I always loved to read and he was always ready with a recommendation....I escaped this world and journeyed into the past....The Romans and the Greeks....and then in the modern world Winston Churchill and Barbara Tuchman....and so many others....and I journeyed into the future with Asimov, Heinlein and Clarke....
Now, there are no bookstores near me....I get all my books from Amazon.....it's a real shame....thank goodness I had this refuge....something the kids here will never know...
Sometimes I'll buy a used book online and the first thing I'll do is bury my nose in it.....the scent brings me back.....that's what happened tonight.....that wonderful scent of an old, old book....it brought me back!!!!
It's amazing how a certain smell can trigger memories from long ago. I'm glad you were able to find refuge in Tony's bookshop. I'm guessing he knew you just needed a safe place to be yourself. Besides, you both shared a love of books!
ReplyDeleteI have always loved books....I still do....
DeleteMaybe you're right and Tony knew I was just seeking refuge...that's probably true....
I so wish I could find out whatever happened to him....I'd love to thank him for saving me for the years that I knew him and for the lifetime of literature I got from him...
And you're right about how a scent can trigger memories....and when I stuck my nose in that book....well I was 16 again....scared of everything but I still felt safe....it was a terrible stage of my life but I remember the good parts so well and I try to forget the bad parts....
Love Kaaren
Two peas in a sissy pod, Kaaren! I had a similar used bookstore that I used to visit 2 or 3 times a week, even though I knew the stock didn't change that regularly. He was an older man who had some mobility issues, so I used to volunteer to stock shelves, move boxes, or just tidy up the store. I loved it there. It was like a second home to me.
ReplyDeleteWe never talked about anything sissy or sexual, but he knew what shelves I spent the most time on, and he obviously knew what I bought. I remember at the time thinking I'd won the lottery whenever I'd find a few erotic novels or scifi/fantasy romances in a box he asked me to shelve, and it wasn't until years later that I realized he must have planted them there, knowing I was too shy to ask for such things myself.
He used to close the store for 4 months every winter while he went to Florida, and it killed me not to have that safe space. Even after I grew up and moved away, I made sure to stop in whenever I was in town. I swear he never aged in all those years but, same as your store, one day I arrived to find he'd closed up for good.
It's such a shame that these kind of stores and the people that we loved who ran them are disappearing....
DeleteI thought I had found a new spot recently only to find it filled with coffee swilling hipsters and preaching communists....not joking they actually had a little stage that they could speak on....
I asked them where they had their classic sci-fi and they just stared at me like I was from Mars!!!!
I guess you really can't go back....
But it's nice to know that we share a memory of better times!!!!
Kisses
Kaaren
Funny you should mention that. There was a LGBT bookstore in Toronto I used to love. It was on the 2nd floor, up these dark, narrow stairs, and was this wonderful hardwood loft full of books you'd never be able to buy anywhere else, with a huge erotica section. I used to spend hours just browsing and shyly chatting.
DeleteI visited their new location for the first time last year and, yup, it's a hipster coffee joint with a stage. It's like the books are an afterthought, and that erotica section is gone. I was crushed.
Sigh....
DeleteKisses
Kaaren