This part of my story contains the darkest moments of my life.....it has taken me years to be willing to tell it.....I'll understand if you don't want to read it....but it feels like I'm unloading a lot of personal baggage and it finally feels good to tell it all to someone....
You really must read
How It Began,
Not Always Fun ,
Nothing To See Here,
My First Panties,
A Couple of Firsts,
Caught My First Bra, My First High School Dance,
Kerri's House,
Endings and Beginnings,
The Darker Years - My Sissy Story Continues, The Darker Years Part 2 - My Sissy Story Continues for this post to make sense. Obviously the dialogue is not verbatim but it's as close as I can
remember it. The experiences were real as were the people
involved. I began this blog intending to tell how I came to be the Sissy
girl I am today and this is the the beginning of the next part of my story, I
intend to continue to tell more of my experiences, both good and bad and
I hope you, my sweet readers, will come along on the ride.
Summer ended all too soon and it was time to begin a new life in a new school where I knew no one....
I had spent the summer in a druggy haze for the most part while I dodged between my alcoholic father and my mother who had withdrawn so profoundly into her grief that she seemed almost like a ghost of the woman she once was.....
It's hard to be the new kid in school, particularly in a rural area where most of these kids have known each other since pre-school. That first day when I walked in I immediately knew that I was in trouble.....these kids had grown up together and had sorted themselves into their cliques years ago and new members need not apply!!!
It didn't help that I was small....I was way behind on the growth curve and in some ways I never caught up!!!
Several of the guys immediately zeroed in on me.....I was smaller than them and I had long hair and that was enough for them!!!!!
I was pushed and bumped and I knew I was in for worse as I heard their laughter!!!!
The first day......in gym class.....I was knocked to the floor.....almost unconscious.....an elbow under the board......I was sent to the nurse....who put a cold pack on my swollen eye......
I remember her so well.....she was one of the best people I have ever known...
"Sweetheart, you got to watch out for yourself here!"
She really cared about me......
It was almost as if she knew I was already a target!!!
There were a couple of them that had immediately zoomed in on me as the vulnerable newcomer....and they were right!!!! Most of them were a head taller than me and they had at least 50 to 75 pounds more than me!!!!
The only thing that kept me from the ultimate high school humiliation that first day in gym was getting carried to the nurse instead of the showers!!!
Look....even then I knew I was small.....really small and as each year passed I started to get used to the idea that I was small and I was probably always going to be.....in my old school this hadn't been an issue.....but they knew me there....I wasn't a target there!!!!
When I got home I popped a couple of pills and for the first time in my life I considered suicide....it would be so easy.....a couple more pills....a touch of the razor at my wrists.....a short drop with a rope around my neck!!!! There were so many options and all of them were more attractive than my life as it was!!!!
But I let the haze come and I relaxed and felt nothing....
Within the first two weeks of school I had been to the nurse six times....the last time she had suspected broken bones and had called an ambulance!!!!
My parents picked me up at the hospital where it had turned out to only be a deep tissue bruise.....I was supposed to rest and stay away from physical activities for a couple of weeks.
My father sneered at me as we drove home....
"Just like a goddamned sissy faggot.....can't even compete in gym for Christ sakes....your brother would have knocked that kid on his ass...."
He went on but I didn't listen.....I didn't need to hear what a disappointment I was...I knew that already and besides I had already decided that that was going to be my last night on earth.....I had about 13 or 14 Quaalude's at home in my stash and I figured if I took them all tonight and washed them down with a couple of beers that I wouldn't wake up in this shitty world where there was no love and no hope and only nasty brutal people who would only hurt me.....I couldn't think of any reason to keep going....
....Crying....I heard a woman crying.....then nothing......then lights so bright.....and people calling my name.....wake up they kept saying.....wake up....but I wanted to sleep....I wanted to sleep forever....I didn't want to wake up.....
It was two days....they pumped my stomach but the drugs had almost done their job by the time my Mom had found me in my room....I had locked the door but I guess that it wasn't as strong as I thought it was....my father kicked it open with one shot!!!
I remember waking up in an empty room....no one there....just me.....
When I sat up my head exploded in pain and down I went again....I curled up in a fetal ball and clutched at my head....
That's where the nurse found me eventually....she called the doctor as she checked my IV to make sure I hadn't dislodged it......
Two doctors came to see me.....they introduced themselves but through the fog and the pain I couldn't remember their names.....
They asked me a million questions and I gave maybe two answers.....
I needed to sleep....I needed this world to go away......I needed to die......I didn't understand why they were bothering me when all I wanted was to take my leave....
I was there for a couple of weeks and I had a couple of Shrinks talk to me and have "sessions" with me......they told me that killing myself wasn't the answer to my problems and I told them to fuck off because they didn't know my problems...
After I left the hospital and returned home things hadn't really changed....I repaired my door and replaced the lock with something a lot stronger...neither one of them cared....as soon as I was home everything was the same again....they were both lost in grief for their son and I was just a distraction....
When I returned to school things were very different....apparently my suicide attempt had been the school gossip all the while I was absent. I tried to buckle down and just blend in but that just wasn't going to be an option for me...
It didn't take long for the bullying to begin again.....I spent a lot of time with the nurse....
Finally she'd had enough and I was called to a meeting in the principals office with the nurse and the gym teacher, to discuss my well being....
She was mad....."They're going to kill this boy if we keep him in there with those animals!"
Gym teacher Vivino just laughed...."They're growing boys....they get a little rough sometimes but that's just how they are...."
She wasn't letting go...."And how many of your other students wound up in the hospital....how many of your other students tried to...."
She trailed off but I knew the rest of the sentence....
They all looked at me....pity in her eyes, indifference in the principals eyes and daggers in the coaches eyes...
Finally the principal sighed....
"Well Mrs. Dugan, what do you suggest we do....he needs Phys. Ed. to graduate?"
"Isn't there some other way to satisfy the requirement....look at this boy....he needs our help!!!
The coach laughed....
"What he needs is to get in there with the guys...he needs to toughen up...he needs to be a man!!!!
I cringed inside....if being a man meant being like the guys who made my life hell....like being my father.....I wanted no part of it....but even though they were talking about me....about my life....I didn't speak up on my own.....I was afraid....confused....
Mrs. Dugan was not to be deterred and she slammed her fist down on the principals desk...
"This boy is in danger.....these hooligans have targeted him and he needs to be protected and obviously Coach Vivino isn't able to do it in his class.....I've checked the curriculum and he can satisfy the PE requirement by taking the dance class....I think that would be the best place for him!"
The coach snorted.....
"Dance class.....why don't you just put him in a dress for Christ's sake....why don't you sign him up to be a cheerleader!!!"
Mrs. Dugan, god bless her, got right in his face....
"Maybe you'd rather have those boys kill him!!!! is that what you want, you macho, shithead, son of a bitch!"
I had never heard teachers talk to each other like this but she was angry and she was fighting for my life....it was more than I was doing!
All three of them started yelling at each other then and it took a while for them to hear me when I asked to be transferred to Dance class....
The principal and the coach sat and stared at me like I was some kind of alien while Mrs. Dugan put the transfer papers on the desk....
"Are you sure this is what you want son?" the principal asked looking me in the eyes...
"Yes Sir!"
"Alright." he said as he signed the transfer form, "I hope this works out for you....Mrs. Dugan I expect you to keep an eye on this situation!"
"I certainly will!!!!"
"Coach Vivino I don't want to hear about any of your boys causing this young man any harm...."
""Harm....what more harm can you do to a boy than putting him in goddamned dance class....they'll turn him into a faggot for sure...."
That was then....you could say things like that then....
It wasn't long before I felt the hostility of the girls.....there was one other boy in the dance class and he was certainly gay......and we kind of clung together in a mutual defense against the nastiness we faced in class....
Madame wasn't happy to have two boys in her class as she was trying ti train beautiful ballerinas....
She tried humiliating me by making me act the female role in various dances....but that wasn't enough to make me want to go back to the physical abuse I had experienced....
One day after class the other boy tried to kiss me....it was awkward....I wasn't a homo as we used to say....I like to think that I let him down easy....
Some of the more motivated assholes in school made a point of looking for me....maybe it made them feel like real men when they beat up a guy who was so much smaller than them that I couldn't possibly resist....
This was when I made my second try at checking out.....not pills this time....this time it was the knife at the wrists.....thankfully the scars have faded after all these years but they're still there....
Again through some type of serendipity I was saved.....
Again I spent a week or two in the psych ward.....
And when I came home it all started again....
The third time was in the garage with the car running and that one landed me in a mental hospital for some time.....I was a danger to myself they said....
I actually finished High School while I was in the hospital....and I was surprised by my acceptance into a good college with a partial scholarship!!!!
My mother told me that she had a bank account that would cover the rest of my tuition....she said it was all she could give me.....
Her heart had been broken by my brother's death and nothing was ever going to fix her....
My release date loomed and I was looking forward to getting away from all the shit my life had become....
Finally the Shrinks set me free.....and I came home for a few weeks of abuse until I could move out to live in the dorm at my university....
Tuition and room and board were all taken care of.....I had a roommate but we were OK with each other.....apparently most of the assholes I went to High School with didn't come here......don't get me wrong....there were plenty of assholes here but I wasn't on their radar....
