I spent that first summer at our new house mostly in my room. I had no friends here, I didn't know anyone and I wasn't sure if I wanted to know anyone. I didn't know who or what I was!
I was some kind of freak, a boy who loves to act like a girl!!! That was the kind of thing that was written about in psych textbooks!!!
Was I a homo, as it was referred to then....how could I be when I liked girls....but I acted like a girl when I was with them so that made me a homo....I just couldn't figure it out....all I knew was that I was fucked up in the head and maybe I deserved to be alone, why would anyone want to know a freak like me....
It was summer and occasionally I was driven outside by the heat in the house...the house had central AC but my father didn't want to pay those high electricity bills and so it was almost never turned on....it didn't bother him I guess...since my brothers death he drank himself to sleep most nights.
I would take my bike and ride around the area just to see where things were. I rode by the school I'd be attending soon and I saw the local shopping strip....just a couple of stores....for anything more than milk and cigarettes you'd have to drive a few miles up the highway.
I saw some kids that looked like they were around my age but I kept my distance....I really was very leery of meeting new people. There was a group of kids, boys and girls, that were in the local park sitting around listening to music almost every time I went by there. They had the long hair and jeans that was the teenage uniform then, and one day when I stopped to get a drink from the water fountain, one of them approached me.
"Hey, you new around here?"
"Uh....yeah, we just moved here a few weeks ago."
"Cool man, listen I'm Steve....you need anything I'm the guy around here...."
I'm not going to pretend I didn't know anything about drugs, I'd smoked pot a few times and I'd tried some pills, so I knew what he meant and after a little more small talk we shook hands and he took my money and when we shook hands again I had some weed and a couple of Quaalude's!!!
I stopped at the shopping strip to buy rolling papers from the scowling old man behind the counter and pedaled for home!!!
I liked the way pot made me feel....kind of fuzzy and dreamy and things seemed brighter and music sounded better. The "ludes" on the other hand left me stoned, stupid and fogged out! Life was unpleasant so I thought it would be good to just not feel anything for a little while at least!
As usual my mother was in her room....she rarely came out....her grief over my brother was profound and I didn't know how to help her and my father only cared about getting home and getting loaded. I made a sandwich and took a couple of the old man's beers and headed for my room....he'd never miss them he probably thought he drank all the liquor I stole from him.
I rolled a couple of joints and stuck my head out the window to smoke one.....buzzed I ate and popped open a beer and washed down one of the pills with it.....soon it took effect and I had only the vaguest of notions about what was going on....I felt OK for a while.....for a while I wasn't going crazy trying to figure myself out.
This became the way I passed most of that summer.....I stayed in until I ran out of things and then it was off to the park to see my new best friend Steve again....soon I was buying more pills and using them more than the weed.....the blissful fog they brought over my mind was so good....at night I'd hear my mother weeping and my father in another drunken rage....cursing the heavens for taking his son....or as he put it way more than once....for taking the wrong son! But I didn't care...I had a good stout lock on my bedroom door and it was so nice to just lie there without thinking or worrying....while I was wearing a pretty pair of panties that Kerri had given me.
Oh yes....even with the self doubts and worries and even with the drugs I still liked to wear panties from my small collection. I would drift away into sex dreams and fantasies where I was dressed by a woman and made to lick her sweet pussy and then she would make me lick her asshole and I would do it while she pushed my head between her cheeks!!!
I imagined making love like a lesbian with a beautiful woman while we were both dressed in pretty underwear.
Sometimes in these fantasies there was a man!!! and he would treat me like a woman and make me take his cock in my mouth!!!!
These were the ones that left me more confused than ever but then a little more to drink and sleep would claim me!!!