Whimper

She heard me whimper but she never looked my way, she only sucked his hard cock deeper into her mouth! This was my punishment...my sweet wife on her knees sucking another mans cock while I could only watch! My own little clit caged and throbbing, I watched her suck on this man, this outsider! His cock glistening from her hot wet mouth!
Oh god if only I hadn't upset her that cock wouldn't be in my sweethearts mouth...if only I had washed the dishes that beautiful cock would be in my mouth right now!!!!
All I could do was watch and whimper....

First Kiss

There's no more vivid memory than giving him that first kiss!

Looking

I suppose you're looking for that slutty lingerie you had hidden under there! Well I've laid it out on the bed for you to put on. You could have just told me you know!
My girlfriends all agree that I should punish you for keeping this a secret from me all this time so when they get here you are going to be spanked in your slutty panties!!!

Babysitter

"Sissy I'm warning you! If this babysitter tells me you were difficult in any way the spanking you get will be one you'll never forget!"
"Bur she...ow...she makes me...ow ow ow...she makes me wear diapers!!! Ow...ow...ow...she puts me in a,...ow...she puts me in a crib!"
"She's a Baby sitter Sissy! A Baby sitter! While you're here you're the baby she's in charge of! You do whatever she says to do or I promise you won't be sitting for a week!!!"
"Yes...ow...ow...yes Ma'am!"
"Alright then Sissy, I'll be back for you later...unless I spend the night at his place....you be my good girl!"

Assets

As a fluffer for my wife's lovers I have become quite skilled in using my mouth to get those beautiful cocks nice and ready for her! Lately though I've been experimenting with other methods! I do have other assets after all!!!

Black Friday

The best bargains are those 4-for-1 sales!!! I think every Friday should be Black Friday!!!

I Love You All - Happy Thanksgiving!!!

All my sweet readers in the good old USA are celebrating Thanksgiving and I am very thankful for you!
Setting aside one day a year when a nation stops and, as one, shows how thankful they are for all they have and for all they love and for all that they are loved should be a universal holiday!
To all my sweet  readers in the rest of the world I am thankful for all of you too!

I love you all!!!!

My Secret - Happy Thanksgiving

Every year they ask me what's my secret! They tell me that my turkey is always the juiciest and my stuffing is the best they've ever tasted! They said the taste varies a little from year to year and I tell them that it depends on the source of my secret ingredient!!! I love to sit back and watch as they enjoy my cooking!

Happy Thanksgiving Sweet Readers! I hope there's a little secret ingredient for all of you today!!

Kiss Me Kaaren!

"Kiss me Kaaren! I want your sweet Sissy lips on mine! Keep trying sweetie! Just another inch and you're there!!!"

No Wasted Time - Sissy Training

If Sissy is already doing "corner time" there's no reason to let all that time be wasted! A strap-on session makes corner time a more educational experience for Sissy and far more fun for you!!!

Her Fantasy

She indulges me in so many of my fetishes that when she wants to explore one of her fantasies I jump at the chance! I never question her about any of these although honestly my curiosity is overwhelming!
In this one she's "tied" up and "gagged" and she keeps telling "Slutty Bitch Donna" to stop licking her ass!!!!
There's got to be one hell of a story behind this one!!!! Maybe some day she'll tell me...until then any time I get to dress as a slut and spend some time "behind" her is just fine with me!!!!!

Super Heroes

"You're my Wonder Woman Leeanne!"
"You're my Supergirl Kaaren!"
"Sissy Powers Activate!!! Pop the Cages Open!!!!"

"Did you really think that would work Kaaren?"
"Not really but...I really, really wish it had!"

Too Sissy?

Too Sissy? I actually meant to say Two Sissies!
Because we all know there's pretty much no such thing as "Too Sissy"!!!!

Monday ManCandy

"But Mom this is my ManCandy!!!"
"Don't be so selfish I raised you to share didn't I?
"But what would Daddy say?"
"Your Daddy ate up all my ManCandy while I was lacing up his corset this morning!"
"Oh I''m sorry Mom, here have some of mine! Daddy can be such a cum slut sometimes!!!"
ManCandy, for the family that knows what they like!!!

You're Not

"I'm really sorry I had to do that but I kept telling you to keep your hands out of your panties! Until Mistress get's home with your cock, oops I mean clit cage, I am in charge of you! I mean, just look at you! It's pretty obvious that you're not the "man" of the house any more!"

Planing For The Future

Despite having a job that she enjoyed doing so much Sissy kept her eyes on the future!

Prettiest

Let's face it Sissy, when we get to the reunion you'll be the prettiest husband there!!!

We Both Knew

We both knew as she came again, that my fingers were coated with her lover's cum! She kissed me harder as I swirled my fingers in her!
We both knew that soon her soaked panties would be down and my lips and tongue would be coated with her lover's cum...and her's too as I licked her to ecstasy!!!

A Good Sissy Maid

A good Sissy maid knows how to help her wife be more desirable for her lover! After shaving Sissy checks for missed spots with her tongue...sometimes for hours!!!!

Like This?

"Like this Father O'Brien?"
"Yes just like that dear Sister!"
"I hope Mother Superior doesn't notice her habit missing from her closet"
"Just keep that hand moving Sister!!!"

Very Nice

"Oh yes Billy you're doing a very nice job! Now make sure you get all the hair off! I don't want to see a single hair below your neck!!!! When you're done I've laid out a pretty babydoll nightie for you, don't bother putting on the panties now because I'll be inspecting you before you go to bed!!!"
"Yes Auntie, whatever you say!"
"Good girl!"
"Boy, Auntie!"
"Not for much longer sweetie!"

Silks and Lace

Silks and lace! Nylons and garters! Feathers and bras! Silk sheets and lipstick! Panties and licking her sweet pussy all night long! And people still wonder why I'm a sissy!!!

Beautiful Thing

The beautiful thing about a long term relationship is being so comfortable with each other that you know just what she needs from you! Fulfilling her needs fulfills mine!

Reminders

As a Sissy Cuckold there are reminders all around me and sometimes it takes me a moment to realize it! I got up in the early morning, pulled on my panties, grabbed a T-shirt and went to the kitchen to start the coffee. I was drinking my coffee when I realized that the T-shirt was too big to be mine!!!

Introductions

Come along Sissy, I want to introduce you to some of your other duties as my maid! It's time you met the real "man" of the house! I

Jimmy Couldn't Believe It

Jimmy couldn't believe it! Not only had his best friend re-appeared after a three month absence but he had turned up in a dress...a short dress.....a sexy short dress with those kneesox that he liked so much...and red hair too!
It was almost as if he had changed into Jimmy's perfect girl!!!! Jimmy's cock was harder than it had ever been and he buried his face in shame over his sudden lust for the Sissy his friend had become!!!!

Contractor

The contractor she hired to rebuild the bedroom didn't understand why she wanted the alcove under her makeup table but he did a fantastic job of it and we couldn't be happier!!!

Monday ManCandy

"Honey breakfast is on the table!"
"I'll be down in a minute Mom!"
"It's going to get cold if you don't get a move on Sweetie!"
"Jeez Mom, I'm trying to have my ManCandy! Give me a break!"
"Oh that's alright then I'll put it on the stove to keep it warm!"
"Thanks Mom!"
 "Oh Honey tell him I think I could use some too!!!"
"OK Mom!!!"
ManCandy! Caring Moms understand!!!

Sunday is Game Day

"Sissy, in honor of your dedicated support for the team we've decided to let you join us as an honorary team cheerleader!"
"Oh my, thank you so much!!! Do I get one of your sexy uniforms to wear?"
"Yes you do Sissy although you won't be allowed to wear any panties!"
"But I love panties why can't I wear them?"
"Well Sissy, there's a few reasons but the main one is we're planning a special cheer for you that will show you another use for this giant finger!"
"Another...use...."
"Don't worry Sissy! It may be a little uncomfortable for you but the crowd is going to love it!!!"

Another Drink

She'd been out with her friends and had obviously had a couple of drinks. She wasn't drunk but she was in "party mode" if you know what I mean. After going to the bathroom she came back and settled on the couch! Pauling up her dress I was surprised to see what she had in mind!
"Get me a drink Sissy and then come sit on my lap, it's Saturday night and one of us needs to get fucked tonight!!!"
I grabbed the bottle of lube as I went to get her drink! It might be a long hard night! I couldn't wait!!!

Fluffing - She's Waiting

He had a really nice cock and he smelled so nice and he kept whispering little encouragements to me that I could have sucked him all night long!!! But out of the corner of my eye I could see her waiting and I knew this cock wasn't for me it was for her and I'd have to give it up....after just another minute!!! I hope she doesn't mind.....

The Couch

While their wives took their pleasure with their lovers in the bedrooms, the sissies cuddled together on the couch! As their wives screamed out in orgasm after orgasm, the sissies, denied the pleasure by their cages, cuddled closer!
As the house quieted, the sissies fell asleep, content in each others arms, Their kisses were a promise to each other that some day they would make the house shake with their screams of release and pleasure! But for now the kisses and cuddles were enough!

That's It Sissy

That's it Sissy keep him nice and hard until I can get these clothes off!

A Sissy Maids Work

I know it has to be here somewhere1 It's her favorite one and I need to clean it and put it back in her bedside drawer for her! I watched her use it right here last night so where did it go???
I was really hoping to get a little "me" time with it before I put it away!
Where the hell did it go!!!! She came on it then tossed it and then pulled me in to lick her!!!!
Where did that thing go???

Yeah Sometimes

Yeah sometimes she fucks me like a whore! She buries her big latex cock in my sissy pussy and she makes me her bitch!!!! She calls me filthy names and spanks my sissy ass as she pounds into me!!! She makes me ask for it! She makes me beg! She uses me until she's satisfied and then she pushes me away!
The only problem is...she doesn't do it nearly often enough!!!!

Only Makes Me

Much to his surprise, when he stammered a little and blushed it only made me want to suck him more! It's not like he was the first of her lovers to try on my lingerie!!!!

The Difference

What's the difference?

He can take his time and tease her with his big cock till she's panting and begging him to fuck her!!!

I'm the one who cums before she even get's her panties off!!! Is it any wonder that she locked my useless little clit in chastity!

Really?

Really? Chocolate syrup? Well I do like it, and I always hurry to lick it off...but that's really only because it gets in the way of the flavor I really like!!!! The chocolate is something that I consider the appetizer before the main course!!!!

 

Sissy School - Not A Problem

"I told you it wasn't a problem Kaaren1 I told you that I wanted my hard cock between your legs! And I have to tell you Kaaren that it's as wonderful as I thought it would be! Your little clit is not a problem at all....now squeeze your thighs a little tighter...oh yeah...just like that!!!!

Something You Like

Kaaren, I have something for you! Something you like! I've been wearing these panties all day and I got so hot thinking of my special girl at home waiting for me that I pretty much soaked them!
I know you'd like to give them a little taste but first....well my feet are so sore...I think they need some attention too!
Maybe you can do both at once.....Oh Sissy!!!! What's the rush?!?!?!?!

So Cute

It's so cute when she slips on a mans shirt after making love all night! The only thing is that it's not my shirt!!!

My Support

"Wait till you see him Sissy....he's absolutely gorgeous!"
"A man's man Sissy! He'll be all over me in no time!"
"A little closer to the mirror Sissy...yes that's better."
"When you see his cock you're going to want to suck him all night and if you're a good sissy maybe I might let you do just that"
" After he fucks me of course!"
"Sissy hold still I almost smudged my makeup!"

Monday ManCandy

You loved it Saturday and you loved it Sunday so if all you have on Monday are leftovers well that will do just fine!!! A few seconds in the microwave and it's just as warm as it was when you sucked it from his nice big cock!
ManCandy! It never get's stale!!!

The Darker Years - My Sissy Story Continues

You really must read   How It Began,  Not Always Fun ,  Nothing To See Here,  My First Panties,  A Couple of Firsts,  Caught My First Bra,   My First High School Dance,  Kerri's House, Endings and Beginnings, for this post to make sense. Obviously the dialogue is not verbatim but it's as close as I can remember it. The experiences were real as were the young ladies involved. I began this blog intending to tell how I came to be the Sissy girl I am today and this is the the beginning of the next part of my story, I intend to continue to tell more of my experiences, both good and bad and I hope you, my sweet readers, will come along on the ride.

In my prior posts I have told the story of my first love and my first betrayal. I have told how I first dressed in women’s clothes, panties first then a bra then the whole thing, skirts and dresses and so on.

I have told of losing my first love but finding my second. There’s more to my story and I decided back at the beginning to tell it all. There were times that were not fun, there were times when things took a decidedly darker turn. But I’m here with you now telling the tale so I guess you realize I got through it all.

A couple of things happened in a very short time after I broke up with Gail. My fathers Great-Aunt Agnes passed away and left him her house which we were going to move into after school ended in June. Her house was in a town about 25 miles from where we were so I would be going to a new school and leaving behind everything and everyone I knew. There was no Facebook then, no Skype, if you wanted to send someone mail you had to use a stamp!

I was devastated by this news. I would be moving just far enough away from Kerri to make a relationship almost impossible. I was several years away from getting a drivers license and the only way to get back and forth would be a train ride followed by a couple of buses.

Of course she tried to make it sound alright to me, when we next got together I ended up wearing her school uniform and crying on her shoulder while she stroked my hair and reassured me that it would all be OK. We didn’t do anything sexual that day, we just spent the day together I guess like two girls would. It was very bittersweet in that I loved spending the time with her, I loved dressing in her pretty things, but I was so distraught at the prospect of losing her that the day was just full of tears and sadness for me.

 

We made a date to meet at the local Shopping Mall the following Saturday and she kissed me softly and made me promise that I wouldn’t shed any more tears, we had a few months to go yet and we would work it all out.

My older brother had been feeling ill for almost the past week and my mother had at first thought it was the flu or something like that. When he still showed no signs of regaining his strength by Friday my parents decided it was time to take him to see the family physician. They were going early Saturday morning while I stayed home until it would be time to meet Kerri at the Mall.

My mother had left me money to get something to eat and told me to call if I would be late or if I needed a ride home. As they got into the car I could see my brother was feeling ill, he was normally a very lively guy, a typical jock but now I watched them pull away in the car with my mother sitting in the back seat with him, his head on her shoulder. I can still see this image if I close my eyes now. Her worried look and his head on her shoulder, his eyes closed….

After they left I watched a little TV and then dressed to go. I wore a pretty pair of blue panties that Kerri had given me the other day. I knew she would get a kick out of that and I did too judging from my little dicks reaction. I decided I had a couple of minutes and even though I was alone in the house I still went into the bathroom and locked the door before tugging away at it until I shot my load into the waiting tissues.

Forty five minutes later I was waiting in the Mall to meet Kerri. I didn’t come here very often, usually only with my Mom to buy clothes or occasionally to shop at the record store. Yes, in those days we bought records that you played on a turntable.

I smiled when I saw her approaching me but that smile slipped when she was greeted by a small group of girls who were passing by. They all excitedly exclaimed their surprise at meeting her here and asked her if she wanted to join them. Catching my eye she told them that she was busy right now with an errand but that she would catch up with them later. The group, satisfied with her answer, moved on. She didn’t really approach me right away; she waited until the girls were a little further away before joining me. She didn’t come close enough to kiss me or make any physical contact; you didn’t have to be a genius to figure it out. She didn’t want her friends to see us together.

I knew I was no great catch as a boyfriend, I mean I was wearing panties for gods sake, but I didn’t think I was so bad that she couldn’t be seen with me. In that moment I was hurt and she saw it in my face.

“It’s not what you’re thinking you know. I like spending time with you. I like you very much but they can be nasty bitches. Two of them were at the dance where Gail told all the girls that you were a sissy boy. I didn’t want to expose you to them in a public place like this where they could make a scene and embarrass you.”

 

I was somewhat relieved by her explanation and I relaxed a bit. We headed off in the opposite direction from the one the girls had taken and she began to teach me a little about window shopping. We would stop in front of the dress stores and she would point out what she liked and asked me which I liked. She would say things like “With your coloring that dress would suit you perfectly.”

I was really starting to enjoy this when we came to a women’s shoe store and she pulled me in with her. It was a self service store with the shoes lining the shelves sorted by size. There was a myriad of colors and sizes and types and she set about trying to decide which she “needed” to buy today. I sat in wonder at all the variety, I had never really thought about it before but women had more options in every aspect of clothing than men had. They could wear any fabric, any style, any color, heels or flats, dresses or pants, nylon or cotton it was all available to them where men got nothing even close to this amount of choice.

While I had been idly daydreaming she had been piling up several pairs to try on. When she slipped off her shoe I noticed her toenails had pink nail polish that matched her fingers and I commented how pretty I thought it was. She laughed and waved her foot near my face. “Oh dear, Kaaren likes my pretty toes…maybe next time I see you I’ll teach you how to do yours and then you can have pretty toes too”

I laughed but my little dick was hard as a rock!

She tried on several pairs before deciding on a pair of low heeled loafers, for school she said. Then with a mischievous glance she said “Have you ever tried on high heels?”

Not waiting for an answer she knelt down and pulled of my shoe. She used the measuring device (what do they call those things anyway?) and went to the shelves returning with a brown pair with I guess what must have been a 3 inch heel.

“Here, quick, try these on.”

“Kerri, someone will see….”

“So what? Anyway there’s no one in this aisle now and if someone comes we’ll say it was just fooling around. Please I’d like to see what you look like in them?”

As I’ve said before I could never say no to Kerri so I removed my other shoe and slipped my foot into the first high heel I ever wore. It was a strange feeling having your foot bent like that and it was stranger still when I attempted to stand. Had she not caught me I might have fallen right over. As it was I realized with one wrong move I could hurt myself pretty badly. My center of gravity was shifted and I had to try to adjust my body to it. I felt like my ass was sticking out a bit and I had to bring my shoulders back to prevent falling forwards, it was all a bit like tightrope walking I thought.

Beside me Kerri was grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

“Those look beautiful on you Kaaren. Let’s get them and you can wear them at my house.”

“Kerri, I don’t have money for these and besides where would I hide them? I can’t just keep them in my room you know.”

“Silly Kaaren, I’ve got my Mom’s credit card and you can keep them at my house. No one will notice that one extra pair among all the other shoes in my closet.”

“Anything for you Kerri,” I said. “Thank you very much.”

She kissed me on the cheek and grabbing the two pairs of shoes we went to the cashier.

As she was ringing up the sale the lady at the counter pointed out that Kerri was buying two very different sizes.

“I know,” she said as she smiled at me, “one pair is for me and one pair is for a friend.”

The cashier did a short double take looking at me and with a shrug bagged up the shoes and we were on our way.

“Kerri, why did you say that? I think that lady knew you were talking about me…”

“So what if she does, you don’t know her do you?”

“Well no but I ….”

“Stop worrying so much….let’s go get something to eat.”

Instead of heading for the food court she guided me toward a restaurant that had real tables. Seeing my questioning look she smiled. “Food court is probably full of nasty bitches right about now”

I nodded.

“And I have a credit card remember.”

We were seated in a booth and we both ordered burgers and fries, we were teenagers after all, she slid around in the booth till she was next to me.

She smoothly slid her hand into my lap and felt my little dick poking up. She gave it a little pinch between her fingers as I tried not to show any reaction in case anyone happened to look our way.

“I thought I saw my sweet little friend poking out in your pants back at the shoe store. Did the high heels turn you on baby?”

“Yes,” I gasped as she continued touching me, “They made me feel very sexy.” I was blushing deep red from both the embarrassment of my admission and the nearness of my orgasm as she continued to feel me through my pants.

“Are you wearing panties now?” she asked me softly.

“Yes. “ I gasped in response. “The blue ones you gave me.”

“Blue is for boys Kaaren, maybe I should have gotten pink for my special girlfriend?”

“Please stop Kerri; I’m going to…you know…”

Pulling her hand back she smiled, “I wouldn’t want you to make a mess in your pretty blue panties Kaaren, maybe you should carry a spare pair in your purse….you know…just in case.”

She laughed. I laughed with her. She was so pretty and sexy as hell. And she liked me. I really couldn’t believe how lucky I was!

Soon our meal came and we dug into the burgers as only teenagers can. Finishing off the last of my fries I looked up at her smiling.

“Thanks very much for everything Kerri.”

“It’s my pleasure, baby”

The waitress brought the check and Kerri signed the charge slip, as we slipped out of the booth I started toward the door. She tapped my arm and said to wait for her outside; she was going to use the ladies room.

If I had the power to stop time this would have been the exact moment I would have used that power. I would have frozen this moment and held it in place forever. But I didn’t have the power and things happen.

I stepped out into the Mall and wandered over to the book store next door. I was looking at the bestsellers on display when I heard the voice behind me.

“Hey isn’t that the sissy faggot that Gail brought to the dance?”

“I think so….yeah it’s him.” She turned to the other three girls in their group and explained how I had been wearing a bra and panties to the dance and did anything Gail told me to do.

I have since discovered that there are few things nastier than a group of teenage girls when they’ve spotted their prey. I didn’t know which way to turn as they were suddenly all around me.

The tallest one seemed to be the pack leader; she was right in front of me with a wicked smile on her face. She already knew that I was beaten before they had even started.

“So faggot,” she sneered, “are you wearing a pretty bra today?”

“Please leave me alone, I’m not bothering you.” I pleaded weakly.

“I don’t know sissyboy; maybe you’re looking to steal our boyfriends. Is that why you wear such precious undies” She laughed. They all did.

“Please…”

“Jen is he wearing a bra?”

One of the girls, Jen I guess, ran her hand down the back of my shirt.

“No the faggot is braless today Christine.”

“Please leave me alone….please I’ll just go….” I started to walk away.

They however had other ideas. They still encircled me and the tall one, Christine, asked me what my hurry was.

“No bra faggot? I bet you’re wearing panties though.”

My blushing face was almost as much as an admission that she was right and I was so regretting my decision to put them on today.

Just then I saw Kerri come out the restaurant door. I felt a momentary relief. She would help me. She’d make them stop.

One of the girls also spotted her and called her to join the pack.

“Hey Kerri, look what we found, remember Gail’s Sissyboy faggot that she brought to the dance?”

Kerri looked at me and then said to the girl, “Yeah I remember.”

That was all, no more. “We were just going to make him show us if he’s wearing panties, what do you think?” I expected her to say, “No, you bitches let my friend go.” But instead I heard “How are you going to do that?”

“Pull his pants down.” Said one.

“Make him pull his pants down.” Said another.

“I want to see.” Said a third

“Me too.” Said the other, Jen.

Kerri avoided my eyes as she said “Maybe if he just opens them enough for us to see.”

“Okay sissyboy, open those pants up and let us see if you’re wearing pretty panties today.”

I was defiant but outnumbered, “No I won’t.”

They kind of grabbed me as a group; there were a lot of hands on me all at once. I struggled but it was a waste of time, for every hand I pushed away there was another one to take its place. I was pushed off to the side away from the storefront and I felt hands, Christine’s it turns out unbuckling my belt. With an evil grin she unbuttoned my pants.

“Ready girls? Here goes…”

As she pulled down my zipper her hand brushed my little dick which was as hard as ever. Her glance at me showed momentary confusion before returning to the look of a predator about to slaughter its prey. I felt another girls hand grab my belt loops in the back and in a moment my pants were down at my ankles. My pretty blue panties with the big satin bow that I liked so much were now on view to anyone who cared to look my way. They all took a step back as if in unison to get a look at this weakling they had mastered. I had tears streaming down my face as I bent to pick up my pants. Without stopping to even fasten them I ran from the laughing girls, I noticed a couple of others, guys and girls who had stopped to watch my humiliation. I ran as fast as I could. I was afraid they were chasing me. I exited the Mall and just ran for a while, till I had to stop and breathe. Why had they done this to me, why had Kerri let them do this to me? Where was I? I realized that I had run the wrong way and would have to backtrack to get to the bus to go home.

It was while I was sitting at the bus stop that a car cruised by. “Nice panties Sissyboy!” they shouted. Kerri was in the back seat. She wasn’t looking at me. She was laughing with the rest of them.

My parents still weren’t home when I got there. I went to my room and tore off my pants, pulling the panties off with them. I tore them into pieces and after putting on sensible boys underwear dressed and took the fragments of nylon and ribbon and buried them in the trash can outside.

The phone was ringing when I got back in; I picked it up and said “Hello.”

“Hi it’s me…” It was her, Kerri, another girl that I trusted, another that turned on me.

I slammed the phone down.

In seconds it was ringing again.

I picked it up, “Please” she said “Let me explain.” She sounded like she was crying.

I said nothing.

“Are you there, please talk to me, I’m so sorry, I just want to talk to you, please answer me…”

I said nothing.

“I know you’re there I can hear you breathing. I couldn’t stop them, you have to know that. There wasn’t anything I could do. I couldn’t fight five girls. They’re mean bitches and that Christine is the meanest queen bitch of them all. She would have made my life hell for the rest of high school. I know you’re hurt, but you’re moving away soon…you’ll be out of their reach; I’d have to live with them every day. I know I sound weak and awful but it’s the truth. I was afraid of them too…are you listening? Please say something, anything?”

“What do you want me to say?” I was angry, confused, humiliated. “I thought I meant something to you. I thought we could be together. I guess I was wrong. I guess I’m just a dress-up doll for you to play with in private. I guess you’re too embarrassed by the Sissyboy Faggot to be seen with me.”

There was silence on her end; I thought I heard her crying.

“It’s not fair,” she finally spoke, “I didn’t want any of this to happen, it wasn’t my fault, but don’t you understand I’m afraid of them, they hurt you today, they can hurt me every day for the next couple of years….you’ll be leaving soon….please I don’t want you to hate me, I was just afraid….I’m sorry…”

She was crying, so was I. “You hurt me so much Kerri, I have to think about this for a couple of days. I’ll call you later this week.”

I didn’t wait for her to reply, I couldn’t hear anything else right now. I hung up the phone.

Several hours later I heard my fathers’ car pull into the driveway. I stayed in my room nursing my hurt feelings and trying to figure out what I was doing and what I was going to do.

My mother came to my door and after tapping lightly she came in and sat next to me on the bed. She had something to tell me and she wanted me to listen very carefully. She told me that the doctors had diagnosed my brother with leukemia and that his prognosis wasn’t good. She had tears coming as she told me this and when she finished she put her head in her hands and wept. I held her there for a while and as she quieted I asked her if she needed anything. She asked me to get her a glass of water.

 

As I entered the kitchen I found my father there drinking vodka straight from the bottle. He was staring at me as I told him that Mom wanted a glass of water. He took a long swig and looked me right in the eyes and said “Why couldn’t it have been you?”

 I have been haunted by those words for many years.

The weeks came and went in a blur after that between school, preparing to move, and awkward trips to the hospital to see my brother. Although we didn’t get along he was still my brother and this disease was robbing him of his life and I felt pity and sorrow and dozens of other emotions as I watched him fade away.

As for Kerri, word gets around pretty quick and she called to offer me any help I might need during my brothers illness and I basically shut her out. I could not allow myself to be hurt more right now. I was hurt already in so many ways. Eventually her calls stopped.

Just before school ended in June my brother passed away. There was a large turnout for his funeral, it seemed like the entire town was there. I saw Kerri coming toward me and as she reached to give me a hug I stepped back and said what I have come to believe is the single stupidest thing I had ever, or perhaps will ever, say.

I told this beautiful, caring, funny, smart girl to “Leave me alone!”

How often over the next few years did I wish I hadn’t done that? The look on her face was as if I had just hauled off and smacked her. She looked at me sadly, nodded and turned and walked away.

Several weeks later we moved into the new house. My room was bigger and had a great big closet. One of the first things I moved into that closet was the box with my small collection of women’s clothes.

My parents were grieving and they had each other to hold on to. I was pretty much left to myself. I had been cut off from everyone I knew; I had loved and lost 2 girls in my life. I had a new school to get used to. A strange new neighborhood where I knew absolutely no one. I was confused about so many things and I had no one to talk to anymore!

I really felt completely alone in the world.