I looked in the mirror.....and I loved them.....they were something I'd always wanted....and then the doorbell rang.....and it was a friend....an old friend....an old friend that didn't know about me.....and I wanted to hide them.....and the more I wanted to hide them the bigger they got...
And I woke up with a start....I was so upset I started crying and she woke and held me while I sobbed....she stroked my hair and told me it was alright....but it's not!!!!
I want them but I don't....I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision !!!!
She doesn't understand....she's usually so empathetic but she was sure that once she made the offer that I would jump at it....
I'm still crying.....I just don't know what to do.....
Follow your heart my dear. I know it’s much easier said than done. But within your heart lies the true answer.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words Sweetie but as you say....it's easier said than done.....and as much as I look inside I still get no answer....I stand in front of the mirror and think about it and it only upsets me more....
DeleteLove
Kaaren
My advice does run hollow. I sympathize with your predicament. I’m in a similar situation, and while trying to apply the age old adage “listen to your heart” simply frustrates me. Then that Roxette song by the same title starts playing in my head. What started out as frustration turns to pure irritation. I’m sorry yet happy for you Kaaren. Sad that you are going through these tough times, yet happy that you are- as these are the times for true growth. ( hows that for yet another useless adage )
DeleteRegardless, you’re in my heart - throwing you love and strength your way. My name is Raylean btw.
Again, thanks for your kind words Raylean....it means a lot to me that someone is thinking about me with love!!!
DeleteI don't know what I'm going to do yet but I do know that somewhere, maybe this weekend, she and I are going to have to talk about this....
I've been wondering today if she's really doing this for me....does she want to fulfill my fantasy or her own???
I have to get it all straight in my head before I can decide anything....
I know she loves me....I know that down deep in my heart I have never doubted it....but I also know she has manipulated me into things that have become normal now, but I never thought I wanted or ever asked for....
I'm still trying to listen to my heart but it's not helping....and yes frustration does turn into irritation if it's not taken care of....
Stay tuned...I will post more as this goes on...I'm very grateful I started this silly little blog years ago so I can talk about these things without some therapist soaking me for hundreds per visit!!!
Thank you very much Sweetie!!!
Love
Kaaren
In a way you are experiencing what some young girls go through when puberity hits. The unsurity as to what you will look like when your breasts start showing. I remember my sisters discussing what if they were too big or if they would be too small.
ReplyDeleteI also remember what my Mother used to tell them that it's all part of being a woman. I seem to remember you mentioning that it's getting harder for you to present fully male more and more. As Anonymous stated "Follow you heart". Does your heart say you are a woman or a man? Will you feel better about yourself if you had breasts? Just remember that males sometimes have a medical condition called gynecomastia. In my experience, I have used that condition many times when necessary.
Yes you're right....I have become more and more feminine as time has gone by and I almost don't remember the last time I was 100% male, in dress or attitude....maybe I was never 100% male...
DeleteI love the idea of having breasts....I really do...but there are so many occasions that call for me to put on those clothes and pretend to be a man again...
We have been so careful about not exposing me to friends and family and that would all go out the window!!!!
Thanksgiving Dinner: So what are we all thankful for other than Kaaren's big tits?
Christmas: Oh look Kaaren cousin Andy sent you a bra!
July 4th: Kaaren why don't you get rid of that bra and set those titties free!!!
You get the idea....
There are still occasions where I have to be her husband,,,,where I have to be a male....
At the neighbors barbecue when the women are all talking over there and the men are all talking over on the other side, where do I go? I don't think I could join either group....
I just don't know.....the idea is so hot.....I can imagine her and I playing with each other....but I keep talking myself out of it and I'm going crazy....and I'm a little angry that she put this offer out there even though she thought it would make me happy....it has forced a choice on me that I'm not at all sure I ever wanted to make....
I;m sorry, I didn't mean to start ranting....
I want to thank you very much for your kind words of advice...
Love
Kaaren
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ReplyDeleteHi Michelle....maybe it's just fear of the unknown that is driving me crazy...
DeleteI have no doubts that she put this money aside thinking that I would be absolutely thrilled at the offer and would jump, enthusiastically, at it!!!
To answer your second question first I'm really not sure if this offer was made to fulfill my fantasies or hers....
She tells me the decision is entirely mine and then does her best to convince me to go along with it...
So I really don't know the answer to that question....but I will before any decision is made!!!
As to your first question....I honestly don't think anyone would believe me if I told them that!!!
I am a small person....my wife is taller than me....I have blonde hair that reaches to the middle of my back which I keep in a ponytail....as my wife has pointed out I have become more feminine in my speech and mannerisms over the years....and the neighborhood men already treat me like a bit of an outsider at every neighborhood get together...
So suddenly developing a "medical condition" that made me develop breasts just wouldn't be believable in my opinion!!!
Then there's the whole corporate thing where I have to join her and meet all these big shots who I'm pretty sure get the nature of our relationship as soon as they lay eyes on me!!!
A successful woman with a husband who stays home and has a long blonde ponytail....and is probably as effeminate a man as they've ever run across...if I showed up the next time with boobs it would only confirm their suspicions and I'm not sure she's thought that out as far as the ramifications on her career!!!
I love her so much and all I ever want is to make her happy....but I'm not sure that this would make me happy...
We're going to have to sit down and talk about this and I have to try and do it without bursting into tears....you know....like any man would....there goes....I'm crying again....I really wish she had never made this offer....and at the same time a voice in my head is telling me how great it would be!!!
I' will keep you updated on this through the blog....I haven't checked my e-mail in ages!!!!
Thanks again Michelle....it means a lot to me to have friends to talk to about this!!!!
Kisses
Kaaren
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